Knowing what this next post was to entail, I have prolonged writing it. I apologize for that.
The entire time I was on long term bed rest in the hospital, all the doctors and nurses kept telling me that if I just could make it past 28 weeks, that it would be wonderful. So, I did that. I made it to just 2 days short of 31 weeks. The day after I was discharged from the hospital, I went to the NICU with my father-in-law. I couldn’t drive myself and he was nice enough to drive me in to see the boys. At this point, the boys had been in this world for about 5 days. I was so excited to see the boys. I remember walking in to that NICU with such anticipation and positivity. Today was going to be a good day. But as I stood there, I could sense a strangeness in the air. Something was not right.
Then, the neonatologist on for the day, approached me. I’ll never forget the dryness of his voice. It was monotone. It was unemotional. It was lifeless. “We did Matthew’s first routine head ultrasound and it revealed that he has had a Grade 4 Intraventricular Brain Hemorrhage on the right side of his brain. We don’t know what is going to happen. We’re just going to have to watch him.” Excuse me? No, no, no. This isn’t possible. He was fine. I made it to almost 31 weeks. Everyone said he was going to be okay. What the hell is going on???? I remember that the NICU sent over a Parent Handbook to read while I was on bed rest at the hospital before I delivered. I remember reading that section. I knew what the diagnosis usually entailed.
Intraventricular Brain Hemorrhages, also known as bleeding in the brain is most common within the first 3 days of birth and in very premature babies especially a baby who is born weighing less than 3.5 lbs or born before 32 weeks. This bleeding happens because the brain of a premature baby is very immature and because of that immaturity, the fragile blood vessels will rupture easily. The smaller the premature baby is, the greater the chances of IVH occuring in the baby. There are four different levels of IVH depending on the amount of bleeding in the brain. The first two levels are the most common and usually do not cause identifiable brain injury. The body slowly absorbs the blood. The third level is when the ventricles of the brain are becoming enlarged and the fourth level is when the bleeding begins to seep into the tissues of the brain. This bleeding into the brain can cause damage to the tissue inside the brain. Level 3 and level 4 are very serious and can cause permanent brain injury. When permanent damage does occur, some long term problems have been associated with the damage. Some of these problems can be hydrocephalus, cerebral palsy, speech problems, vision difficulties, trouble with motor skills, learning and memory obstacles, attention disorders and behavioral issues. .
I remember for one split second wondering where the camera was. I was on candid camera, right? How is this at all possible? Then I remember looking around the room. The nurses had moved away, looked away. For the last 5 days they had been so friendly. So positive. Now, I felt as if our family had the plague. To contain myself, all I could do was wrap my arms around my father-in-law and sob. I had to sob. What else was there? I could feel the eyes on me. The stares and pity. Where were the hugs? Where were the words of encouragement? Where was the understanding for a new mother in pain for what may lay ahead for her child when so many of these women were mothers themselves? To make matters worse, the doctor left and I was standing there with unanswered questions. I needed answers. I needed to know exactly what he had laid in front of him so we could plan. I was a planner. I was a control freak. And I had no control, no way to plan. I felt helpless.
Posted by TripletMomma 
